Mums

Yesterday's blogpost was all about dad jokes so in the interests of gender balance, this post is concerned with mum jokes. Actually, I am thinking about jokes about mums rather than the kind of jokes that mums might habitually deliver. At the risk of offending any mums who visit this strange corner of the blogosphere, here we go...

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Being a mother of a teenager is finally understanding why some animals eat their young.

The fastest way to spread news isn’t on the internet. It’s by telling your mum.

Ever heard of a job that requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, and you can’t quit? That’s motherhood. Oh, and people’s lives are on the line too.

A mother walks up to her only son and says "John, am I a bad mother?"

And her son replies... "My name is Paul!"

What do mother spiders complain about the most? ...How much time their kids spend on the web.

I asked a police recruit during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
He said, “Call for backup.”

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As you can tell, I was struggling to find genuinely funny jokes about mums. Maybe you can help out with a funny mum joke of your own?

Button

 

It was Father's Day last weekend but what do you give a father who has everything he needs? My thoughtful daughter, Frances, found something new that would enrich my life - "the little button of big laughs" as shown above. Press it 135 times and you will hear 135 different jokes - more specifically "dad jokes". I asked Google what a "dad joke" actually was and received this answer - "an unoriginal or predictable joke, especially a pun, of a type supposedly told by fathers."

Okay, I can go along with that. I admit that I have told some pretty corny jokes in my time but what I will say in my defence and in defence of fathers everywhere is that dad jokes are generally much funnier than mum jokes. Do mums even tell jokes?

These are the kind of jokes you hear when you press my "Dad Jokes" button...

How did I know my girlfriend thought I was invading her privacy? ...She wrote about it in her diary.

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long.... There’s something fishy about that place.

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, "Do you have a favourite song?" The other replies, "Well... all my life I have been a heavy metal fan."

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over.

Can a frog jump higher than a house?... Of course, a house can't jump.

I was going to try an all almond diet... but that's just nuts.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know y.

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I realise that at this moment you are probably in such a state of side-splitting merriment that you have had to pick yourself up off the floor. However, if you have got a good dad joke up your sleeve - why not share it in the comments?

77

YouTube can lead us down unexpected avenues. Sometimes there are tailored algorithms at play that determine which channel suggestions will appear in our right-hand columns. Frequently, this is our route to previously unexplored sites.

This is how I happened to come across a 77 year old American fellow called Robert. Over at his channel called "Robert's Active Retirement"  there are currently 82 videos that mostly address issues around retirement and old age.

This is a pretty short video that Robert posted three days ago...

As you can see, Robert has a friendly, folksy style. He is not a medical person or a trained counsellor. His thoughts and bits of advice are very much based on lived experience. He's not trying to ram ideas down our necks - he is just telling us how he sees things in a pleasant, genial manner

In years gone by,  I would never have imagined myself displaying the slightest interest in videos about old age and retirement but we all move on. To every time there is a season. 

Aging can be a pretty lonesome and fretful phase so it's quite nice to have someone like Robert confirming that we are in fact not alone. The worries and doubts older people might be going through will not be entirely unique. Somebody else has been there before.

And as for being 77 - I am just over five years short of that line - a little way behind Robert... assuming I make it of course. Limited time to realise a few more dreams, walk some more paths, weave more golden threads into the tapestry of my life before I exit this stage.

Unveiled

 

At the main Nissan dealership, I picked up our new car today. Bizarrely, it had been covered with a big red cloth sheet and  I had no idea it was ours until the car salesman, Andrew, unveiled it when all the paperwork had been done. "It's not every day you buy a new car!" he explained.

Minus the red cloth, our vehicle looked very handsome in his metallic gun metal grey livery. He was spotless and manufactured in England too - up in the north east near Sunderland. 

Like Old Andrew in Melbourne, Young Andrew was a nice guy and I was happy to deal with him. He talked me through most of the car's main features without boggling my mind. The new motor is a different kettle of fish from Clint entirely. 

To begin with, there isn't a key and there's no traditional handbrake either. There's a touchscreen with satnav and  camera functions. There are switches for heating the seats and the steering wheel though today in northern England such facilities were most unnecessary as it has been sweltering with temperatures into the thirties.

Driving the new car home through rush hour traffic was a little stressful but I only stalled him once and managed to park him on the paved area at the front of our house without incident or damage.

He is sitting there now, looking elegant and well-designed - just like his new owner! I may not drive him again for a few weeks now while I familiarise myself with the manual which seems to require the kind of technical knowledge and natural car fascination which poets and former English teachers just do not possess.

When I drove away from the showroom, I noticed that there were just eight miles on the mileometer. Being in a position to buy this fine car, I appreciate that we are very lucky compared with most other humans on this planet. Below, you can see our new car's identical twin - David. Ours will also have a name soon - I am mulling over a few ideas.

Law

 

The law should state that...

...every worker is entitled to an extra day off on his or her birthday.

...every person qualified to vote must do so in local and national elections.

...every citizen is entitled to an annual carbon footprint allowance that must not be exceeded. (Size of allowance to be determined by a committee of climate and environmental experts).

...the sale,  purchase and use of tobacco products is prohibited along with all vapes and vaping products.

...politicians must not work beyond the age of seventy - retirement being compulsory at that age.

...road surfacing contractors must have their work inspected after two years. If there is significant deterioration then they must fully reimburse the authorities who paid them.

...use of smartphones while driving will prohibit offenders from owning or using another smartphone for twelve months.

...those spammers who advertise products or services via blog comments should be hunted down and jailed for a minimum of six months.

...the wearing of red "MAGA" caps is illegal.

...anyone driving a brand new Nissan Juke is entitled to receive free petrol for life.

...when apprehended, Boris Johnson is to be be given a compulsory vasectomy.

...anyone caught deliberately dropping litter  must work as an unpaid  refuse collector for one full week under the instructions of their local council.

...all privately owned guns in America's fifty states must be surrendered to the authorities for disposal as gun ownership is phased out.

... reality TV programmes are hereby banned.

... in wealthy, western countries homelessness is illegal  with the guilty parties being not the homeless themselves but the authorities who fail to ensure that every human in their orbit has a roof over their head and somewhere safe to sleep.

Can you think of any other laws 

you would like to add to my list?

Poem

Clint in his youth

Ode to Clint

Farewell Dear Clint -

Thou wert my trusted friend

Loyal and true to the very end

We travelled far and journeyed wide,

Courage grew with you on my side.

I parked you in villages far away

And polished your bonnet every day

But now dear chap the end is nigh -

I'll remember you sweetly till I die.

Clint and The Pudding - a dynamic pair

You drove me just about everywhere.

Now another driver will turn your key

Someone else - who isn't me.

Tube

Down in London, the underground railway network is commonly known as "The Tube". Of course, half the people who visit this corner of the blogosphere will have direct personal experience of "The Tube". However, the other half may never have been to London and will therefore have only a dim awareness of  what "The Tube" is like in reality.

It is the world's oldest underground railway system and with eleven tracks and 272 stations, it remains one of the largest networks even though it has been overtaken by a dozen Chinese cities and Moscow too.

But my purpose in making this blogpost is not to spew out facts and figures about "The Tube" and how it compares with other underground railways. No, I wanted to focus on the people who ride "The Tube".

Every journey is different with an ever changing cast of actors and actresses boarding the train and leaving it. You never know who will come together. Different people with different stories to tell if you could only corral them in order to record their varied tales.

If you are lucky enough to have a seat, you look across at the people facing you. You note the different ethnicities - travellers from every corner of the world... Africans, Asians, Scandinavians, people from the south of Europe, North Americans, South Americans, Arabs, Jews, Australians. There are even people from The British Isles! And there are old people, young people, children, disabled people, poor people, wealthy people, people who have been to football matches, tennis players, students, hippies, Goths, tattooed people and the unadorned too. Some carry bags from "Harrods" while others carry musical instruments, flowers or huge suitcases.

Almost always. there is a calm,  unwritten respect between passengers. They police themselves as they move between stations. The atmosphere is rarely intimidating even during busy times when the carriages are packed - with standing room only. We are all social beings and "The Tube" is a great leveller. Briefly - while riding on those subterranean trains - everybody is equal. 

The others are strangers that we will probably never see ever again. This is what it means to be in a city of ten million humans. Nowadays, many lone travellers  can be seen inspecting the screens on their smartphones - secret worlds where they can briefly hide away and avert their eyes as the tube train thunders onward to Pimlico or Putney Bridge, Sloane Square or Stepney Green, Holborn or Hornchurch.